tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
