I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
