It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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