My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
