Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
