the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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