your parents love me but you hate me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Couch. On fire.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
