My friends, they love my intelligence
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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