So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
