I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I AM VODKA MAN
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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