Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Send help, water and tortillas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
