I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
