Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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