Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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