Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
