We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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