Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
