when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He passed out mid-signature
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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