Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
