Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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