but the lizard people decide everything anyway
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
