I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Randomize
