never play flip cup with pint glasses
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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