My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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