My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
