Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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