he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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