just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
