I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
