i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
