I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
