from now on my penis is your penis
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
