I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
