Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize