Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
