I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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