So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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