Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
