i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
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Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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