You made me cry and you don't even care
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
