I didn't shave. On purpose
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
