I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
