yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
