I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry about my life...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
