fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
