woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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