We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
