This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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