please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
