I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
