Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
