just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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