i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
