he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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