Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
