mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
